What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
