I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
