You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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