it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
