if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
