Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
