As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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