I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
