I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
