uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
