I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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