I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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