I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
