I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
