What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize