chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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