can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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