New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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