I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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