My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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