He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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