We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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