There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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