My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
