Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
