I cut my penus on the lid.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize