At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Everclear isn't food dammit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
