I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
