We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
