I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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