Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
