that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
