Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
