hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
