If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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