Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
