i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize