the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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