I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
