god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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