WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
