I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
