Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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