omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
