She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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