I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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