The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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