I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
