i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
