I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize