Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
