Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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