Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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