i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
