Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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