remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
