Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
