Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
