you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize