i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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