It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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