dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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