Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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