this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
