did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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