I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
