I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
