Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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