I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
