Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
