Your dad touched me again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
